OK, maybe we can get ahead of this thing. In a month or so, the big corporations are going to start something that is unacceptable, and you can be a part of the solution. They want to profit on lies, and the American people fall for it again and again. That's right, I'm talking about pumpkin spice.
First, I implore you to accept this flavor in two acceptable places - pumpkin pie and pumpkin bread. The fake flavors used in Kisses and Oreos, overpriced coffee, pizza crust, baby diapers, and tile grouting is completely inappropriate. Besides, there's not an ounce of actual pumpkin in there anyway; it's entirely synthetic. We must make it stop. We know the industry will exploit every weird pumpkin spice fetish until we, the consumers, tell it to stop. Vote with your pocketbook! Think of the children. The addiction is real.
Second, this is July. We've had enough with "Fall is my favorite season." You must realize that eating "fall" flavors in July and August will not bring fall earlier. The leaves will turn colors whether you eat pumpkin flavors or not; there is no related scale that flips a switch to make the foliage change. Pumpkin spice, and real pumpkin by the way, is available twelve months of the year, and if you really liked it, that's how often you would consume it. Stop letting Starbucks control you like that. Even if you could force the season change, fall only lasts for, like, two days anyway and leads into winter where daily banter consists of "Cold enough for ya?"
Finally, don't flood my Facebook feed with every picture of the latest product gimmick containing this disturbing 21st century trend. If you do, I will roll my eyes and be forced to respond with something snarky (like "Yuck."). The continued marketing of fake flavors diminishes the value of true pumpkin dishes. Dig out your grandma's pumpkin pie or pumpkin bread recipes, and get them ready for the true season, which may be defined as late September through November. And while you're at it, prepare yourself for the disproportionately short peppermint-flavored season to follow.
This has been a public service announcement, paid for by People Against Fake Pumpkin Spice (PAFPS) - a fake consumer advocacy group I made up just to intimidate people from defending pumpkin spice in the comments below.
First, I implore you to accept this flavor in two acceptable places - pumpkin pie and pumpkin bread. The fake flavors used in Kisses and Oreos, overpriced coffee, pizza crust, baby diapers, and tile grouting is completely inappropriate. Besides, there's not an ounce of actual pumpkin in there anyway; it's entirely synthetic. We must make it stop. We know the industry will exploit every weird pumpkin spice fetish until we, the consumers, tell it to stop. Vote with your pocketbook! Think of the children. The addiction is real.
Second, this is July. We've had enough with "Fall is my favorite season." You must realize that eating "fall" flavors in July and August will not bring fall earlier. The leaves will turn colors whether you eat pumpkin flavors or not; there is no related scale that flips a switch to make the foliage change. Pumpkin spice, and real pumpkin by the way, is available twelve months of the year, and if you really liked it, that's how often you would consume it. Stop letting Starbucks control you like that. Even if you could force the season change, fall only lasts for, like, two days anyway and leads into winter where daily banter consists of "Cold enough for ya?"
Finally, don't flood my Facebook feed with every picture of the latest product gimmick containing this disturbing 21st century trend. If you do, I will roll my eyes and be forced to respond with something snarky (like "Yuck."). The continued marketing of fake flavors diminishes the value of true pumpkin dishes. Dig out your grandma's pumpkin pie or pumpkin bread recipes, and get them ready for the true season, which may be defined as late September through November. And while you're at it, prepare yourself for the disproportionately short peppermint-flavored season to follow.
This has been a public service announcement, paid for by People Against Fake Pumpkin Spice (PAFPS) - a fake consumer advocacy group I made up just to intimidate people from defending pumpkin spice in the comments below.
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